Tom Archer asked this question in a comment:
"I would like to know what is being done when members of Christ Church Cathedral leave our church community. Do you know why they left? Is something being done to help them return."
Great comment, Tom. And a great issue to talk about. Three truths apply.
Truth #1 - People leave churches. Every church.
Truth #2 - When people leave churches it can be painful - both for the ones leaving and the ones left.
This truth is actually a good thing. It shows that churches are communities where we can be ourselves and where we can allow ourselves to forge meaningful relationships with one another. If it weren't painful to leave, it means we aren't doing a very good job of being the Body of Christ. But because it's painful ... and because we really love having people in our community ... we really don't like it when people leave. It's upsetting when people leave. We wish we could stop it, which is why it's important to remember...
Truth #3 - See Truth #1.
I don't say this to be flip at all. I also don't say this as a way of throwing up our hands and saying "well ... what are you gonna do!" But to note that even though it is human nature to get anxious and pained about people leaving, it is a very natural phenomenon.
There are lots of reasons that people leave -- even when you take moving out of town out of the equation. A professional counselor who has worked with lots of congregations tells me that a transition rate (people leaving and others joining) of upwards of 20 percent is common with a change of clergy in a congregation. Some of that is liking or not liking the new person. Some of that is not liking the new people that the new person has brought in. Some of that is not liking a new direction the congregation might be taking or new power dynamics that are emerging. Some of that is just taking advantage of a natural time of transition to look for something else.
I believe our charge as a Christian community is to be the best, healthiest, most mission-oriented followers of Jesus that we can. I believe that we need to have clearly articulated core values and a mission that is deeply rooted in the Gospel and also in the tradition of the Episcopal Church and Christ Church Cathedral and also in responding to the realities of the world around us.
It is just that work that your Chapter is engaging in right now (more on that in a subsequent post) and will be engaging the congregation, diocese and city in. Of together affirming who we believe Christ dreams for us to be and allowing Christ to shape us in that image.
That is the process to which we need to be true. If we stick to that. If we keep putting Christ at the center and try to do so with all humility, we're going to be fine. Then it really becomes a matter of people who want to be a part of the course we chart together will stick around (and, hopefully, that will be most everyone), and people who for whatever reason don't want to or don't feel called to, won't. And that's not to vilify people who leave, either. Sometimes people honestly feel that they really just need to be somewhere else ... and that's OK.
So to Tom's question.
What is being done when members of Christ Church Cathedral leave our church community.
What is happening is that the door is certainly left open for their return ... but also I or Amy or other clergy are not chasing them down and begging them to come back. That's not because we don't want them or aren't sad for their departure. It's because the pain of departure can be so acute that we can be tempted to depart from the honest community process of discerning God's call to the Church and instead try to be all things to all people to heal wounds and get people to stay instead of go. That's a recipe for chaos and not a recipe for a vibrant, mission-oriented, Christ-centered Church.
So part of what we do is we trust. We trust that those who leave are still in God's hands. My main concern that I express is that they are finding a community of faith somewhere. I have had people tell me they are leaving the Cathedral for St. John's or St. Barnabas ... and as much as I hate to see them go, part of me is glad because those are really great communities and it's easy for me to trust that they will land well.
Do you know why they left?
I try to. Ideally, Amy or I or chapter members would do exit interviews with everyone who leaves and I have been able to do a couple. But more often than not people just slip away and there isn't that moment to do that. I'd love ideas about how to gather that data, because I think it's important to know. I'd love to hear ideas about this ... and also it's important to note that clergy aren't the only ones who can get this information.
Is something being done to help them return?
Again, and I don't say this in a flippant way ... the door is open. I know many cases of people who have left and come back, and to a person they have been very warmly received. Also, I encourage people that if someone has drifted off and you miss them, by all means call them up and tell them that you miss them and that you wish they would come back. Ideally, people will be committed not to a member of the clergy but to the community of faith ... so really it's the community that has primary responsibility for reaching out. But I would also urge you to do that in a way that not only expresses our pain at their absence but also honors that they really need to be able to make their own choice about where God is calling them.
One of the good things about being the Cathedral is that even if people leave for another Episcopal congregation, we are still the Cathedral and so there is a way they will always be able to call us home.
Why is this important for Christ Church Cathedral?
Because transition is a big part of our life. People have left and are leaving and lots of people are coming. Both of those can cause anxiety ... particularly as we might want church to be a bulwark against change in a life that sometimes seems it has more change than we can handle. We need to talk about these things and it's OK to disagree. It's all a part of us trying to figure out how to follow the new commandment Jesus gave us: "love one another as I have loved you."
What do you think?
What do you think our community should do when people leave? What about when people move out of town .. should there be a process of an exit interview? An opportunity for leave-taking in a blessing on Sunday morning? What are your thoughts?
"I would like to know what is being done when members of Christ Church Cathedral leave our church community. Do you know why they left? Is something being done to help them return."
Great comment, Tom. And a great issue to talk about. Three truths apply.
Truth #1 - People leave churches. Every church.
Truth #2 - When people leave churches it can be painful - both for the ones leaving and the ones left.
This truth is actually a good thing. It shows that churches are communities where we can be ourselves and where we can allow ourselves to forge meaningful relationships with one another. If it weren't painful to leave, it means we aren't doing a very good job of being the Body of Christ. But because it's painful ... and because we really love having people in our community ... we really don't like it when people leave. It's upsetting when people leave. We wish we could stop it, which is why it's important to remember...
Truth #3 - See Truth #1.
I don't say this to be flip at all. I also don't say this as a way of throwing up our hands and saying "well ... what are you gonna do!" But to note that even though it is human nature to get anxious and pained about people leaving, it is a very natural phenomenon.
There are lots of reasons that people leave -- even when you take moving out of town out of the equation. A professional counselor who has worked with lots of congregations tells me that a transition rate (people leaving and others joining) of upwards of 20 percent is common with a change of clergy in a congregation. Some of that is liking or not liking the new person. Some of that is not liking the new people that the new person has brought in. Some of that is not liking a new direction the congregation might be taking or new power dynamics that are emerging. Some of that is just taking advantage of a natural time of transition to look for something else.
I believe our charge as a Christian community is to be the best, healthiest, most mission-oriented followers of Jesus that we can. I believe that we need to have clearly articulated core values and a mission that is deeply rooted in the Gospel and also in the tradition of the Episcopal Church and Christ Church Cathedral and also in responding to the realities of the world around us.
It is just that work that your Chapter is engaging in right now (more on that in a subsequent post) and will be engaging the congregation, diocese and city in. Of together affirming who we believe Christ dreams for us to be and allowing Christ to shape us in that image.
That is the process to which we need to be true. If we stick to that. If we keep putting Christ at the center and try to do so with all humility, we're going to be fine. Then it really becomes a matter of people who want to be a part of the course we chart together will stick around (and, hopefully, that will be most everyone), and people who for whatever reason don't want to or don't feel called to, won't. And that's not to vilify people who leave, either. Sometimes people honestly feel that they really just need to be somewhere else ... and that's OK.
So to Tom's question.
What is being done when members of Christ Church Cathedral leave our church community.
What is happening is that the door is certainly left open for their return ... but also I or Amy or other clergy are not chasing them down and begging them to come back. That's not because we don't want them or aren't sad for their departure. It's because the pain of departure can be so acute that we can be tempted to depart from the honest community process of discerning God's call to the Church and instead try to be all things to all people to heal wounds and get people to stay instead of go. That's a recipe for chaos and not a recipe for a vibrant, mission-oriented, Christ-centered Church.
So part of what we do is we trust. We trust that those who leave are still in God's hands. My main concern that I express is that they are finding a community of faith somewhere. I have had people tell me they are leaving the Cathedral for St. John's or St. Barnabas ... and as much as I hate to see them go, part of me is glad because those are really great communities and it's easy for me to trust that they will land well.
Do you know why they left?
I try to. Ideally, Amy or I or chapter members would do exit interviews with everyone who leaves and I have been able to do a couple. But more often than not people just slip away and there isn't that moment to do that. I'd love ideas about how to gather that data, because I think it's important to know. I'd love to hear ideas about this ... and also it's important to note that clergy aren't the only ones who can get this information.
Is something being done to help them return?
Again, and I don't say this in a flippant way ... the door is open. I know many cases of people who have left and come back, and to a person they have been very warmly received. Also, I encourage people that if someone has drifted off and you miss them, by all means call them up and tell them that you miss them and that you wish they would come back. Ideally, people will be committed not to a member of the clergy but to the community of faith ... so really it's the community that has primary responsibility for reaching out. But I would also urge you to do that in a way that not only expresses our pain at their absence but also honors that they really need to be able to make their own choice about where God is calling them.
One of the good things about being the Cathedral is that even if people leave for another Episcopal congregation, we are still the Cathedral and so there is a way they will always be able to call us home.
Why is this important for Christ Church Cathedral?
Because transition is a big part of our life. People have left and are leaving and lots of people are coming. Both of those can cause anxiety ... particularly as we might want church to be a bulwark against change in a life that sometimes seems it has more change than we can handle. We need to talk about these things and it's OK to disagree. It's all a part of us trying to figure out how to follow the new commandment Jesus gave us: "love one another as I have loved you."
What do you think?
What do you think our community should do when people leave? What about when people move out of town .. should there be a process of an exit interview? An opportunity for leave-taking in a blessing on Sunday morning? What are your thoughts?
8 comments:
This is a very well articulated response--thank you. I think I will share it with my vestry because this question has come up, and I know there is the feeling that we should be "doing more" to get people back--which as you point out isn't always the healthiest response.
Communities sometimes do well to reflect on the question, "Is there something we should be doing differently/better?" (Sometimes, in particular, occasional circumstances, the answer MAY be, "No."
Communities are also challenged to be hospitable as people leave, just as they are as people are in their midst.
Sometimes people leave a beloved community because the work they were called to do -- at least, their part in it is done. Sometimes people are called to open up doors, knowing that one day they will have to walk out of that same door.
We cannot ask God each day to use us how God needs us to be used and then say...Oh wait...I didn't meant THAT!
But just because people leave doesn't mean they are mad or that things are not going the way they want. Sometimes, it means that things are going just right!
It certainly doesn't mean that the community has become less beloved.
Sometimes...it is extremely painful for the one leaving, knowing that there are many many people who mean so much to that one...or two...or three.
But we go where we are called. And not all are called to stay in one place.
There are a lot of good things happening at the Christ Church. These will continue to happen.
And the one very special thing about being the Cathedral of the Diocese -- every single person in the diocese can always call that place home. Regardless...steadfastedly...
Mike, thank you for articulating this so well. I only wish I had had this post to share with members of my congregation back in 2003. At the time, we were a parish that suffered a significant rift over the consecration of Bishop Robinson and the actions of General Convention. There was a bitter tug of war that erupted and some members wanted our parish to leave the ECUSA. After a meeting that ended with the tabling of any action and the decision to enter into a period of discernment closed the door to leaving the Diocese and Episcopal Church, a group of members left, some in anger and some in sadness over what had happened that so split the congregation. I became Sr. Warden on the heals of this and had many conversations that sounded just like the questions Tom has posed, and my answer paralleled yours (though not as eloquently...).
My focus was always the same: reach out to them if you need to as part of showing your grief and love for your friends, but not because your goal is to get them back. But always focusing on one thing - praying that each person or family that left would find a new place to be planted and grow spiritually.
But the reality is that what came out on the other side of this event, after some period of healing and respite, is a vibrant and energized congregation with a renewed focus on ministry, outreach and pastoral care, and one ready to learn anew what God has in mind for our parish. It is a truly amazing transformation.
Now just this past week, three former members all returned on the same day. Drawn in part I think because of our participation in Ashes to Go. And just as you said, this place that is at once the same and new welcomed them with open arms and hearts. Welcomed them to rejoin us on the same journey we started years ago. Many steps further along, but still walking side by side.
Great comments, folks (here and on FB). Lots of truths here.
Tony, I agree that we should continually be looking at how we can be doing things differently/better. We just need to make sure that our motivation is being the best church we can be and not soothing the anxiety over someone being upset.
And Barbi, how true your words are. There are all sorts of reasons people leave. In fact, a sign of a healthy congregation is that it can be one who even sends people out to start new ministries. Particularly when you are a Cathedral.
As with all things, it is an inexact science, with lots of love and charity required!
Mike, this is great.
I think your point about this being primarily the work of the community is critically important. Lay people have to be primarily responsible for the welcome and continuing support of people who come to a church community. As much as I love my parish clergy, I see clergy as, essentially, nomadic. (I'm on my third rector in my parish, in 20+ years.) Clergy come and go--it's _my_ job to make sure the welcome for new people and the care for continuing folks, live over the long term.
Great points, Mike.
The church planter Jeunee Cunningham is fond of saying "a good vision both attracts AND repels."
What we can do is trust that people will be drawn to a vision --either the one we're casting, or to one that is consistent with what they are looking for.
Or to put it in Pauline language, the flip side of our all being "different parts of the One Body" is that eyes should feel free to be really good eyes, hands should feel free to be really good hands....in other words, no one church/faith community/member of the Body should feel that it's necessary to be All Things to All People, which is a recipe for milquetoast mediocrity if there ever was one.
An excellent question and wonderful responses, both by My Dean and the commentary following. Usually this sort of question comes pregnant with a looming agenda. As one of the Chapter members who helped initiate and navigate substantial leadership changes and subsequent parishioner changes, I like to reference a recent Pew Center study: An average of one-third of church goers are moving around, mostly, interestingly, from the "K-Mart megachurches" back to traditional churches. Also, the old rubric from psych' work may apply: One third get worse, one third stay the same and remain, one third improve inspite of you. Transformation in the church body is a sign of hope not despair, acedia notwithstanding. The sheep know the sound of their Master's voice. Those who do not come when called are not of our flock. Selah.
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